back to scratch

eller hur i helvete man ska se på allt. tillbaka på ruta ett, typ. det är sjukt, och det slår mig fortfarande att, 27 år (drygt) in i livet, allt kan demoleras på en halvsekund. något som är förvandlas till något som var. du&jag, vi, oss. det är inte det längre. nu är det bara du, å ena sidan och jag, å andra. två personer. två personer som var men som inte längre är.

2014

1. Did you do anything that you had never done before? Ended up in a police investigation. (long story and yes, I am innocent FYI) 2. Did any of your friends get kids in 2014? Yes, quite a few, but no one as appreciated as my baby niece Ellie. 3. Did anyone close to you die? Thank god no. 4. Which countries did you visit? Holland (where I lived for some months), Sweden, Spain and Morrocco. Oh and Denmark. 5. Is there anything you missed out n in 2014 that you want in 2015? Honestly, no, not particularly, I mean, we can all go on and on about "better pay", "traveling more" and all that stuff, but in general I was quite satisfied! 6. What was your greatest success in 2014? Probably getting promoted to "regional manager" and realizing that i actually do love vintage profoundly. 7. Biggest mistake? Not realizing how tired I got from working... 8. Did you get sick or hurt? I got a pretty rash case of burn-out in november, it sort of soiled the rest of the year (and partly the entire year to be honest) 9. Best purchase? Flight tickets? Naaa, I don't know. 10. What did you spend the most money on? Traveling. No doubt about that. 11. Did anything make you really happy? Yes! I got a niece in september, the prettiest little baby girl on the earth. 12. Which songs will always remind you of 2014? Oh wow. Flatbush Zombies - Palm trees, is the first I think of. I've been listening to a lot of mixes, so no particular song really. 13. Where you happier or sadder this year, compared to previous years? I was a lot happier. I moved back to Paris, to the city I love and rediscovered its beauty and my love for it. 14. What do you wish that you would had done more of? Travelling and writing. 15. What do you wish that you would had done less of? Working my ass off 16. Did you fall in love this year? Well, I was already in love when the year started, and I still am. But I did kind of re-fall in love with my man, after months of arguing. 17. Do you hate anyone right now that you didn't hate in the beginning of the year? Most certainly yes. 18. The best book you read this year? I don't remember if I read it in 2013 or 2014, but it's my all-time best book: Shantaram 19. Greatest musical discovery? Quite a few! Flatbush Zombies is definitely part of the league. Otherwise, djs making mix tapes/dj sets. 20. What festivals did you visit in 2014? Roskilde and Lowlands, but I was working at both, so I'm not sure that counts. 21. What did you do on your birthday 2014? Nothing… I did not appreciate turning 26, I wanted to forget about it. I spent the day with my boyfriend. 22. How would you describe your look in 2014? Very vintage. Short skirts. A little preppy maybe, one would say? 23. What made you happy? My niece! My boyfriend and my friends! 24. Is there anything that could have made your year better? Getting a bigger apartment. 25. Favorite TV-show? Sorry folks, this chic don't watch tv, but ok, American dad. 26. Something you wished for and got? Uhm, lots of love? 27. Something you wished for but didn't get? A bigger apartment. 28. Who did you miss? The people in Sweden.

deal with it

ok, so here's the deal. i might just be a small town gal when it all comes around. i might just be another blonde swede moving to paris, dreaming of love and wine and whatever. i might just be a simple girl with high ambitions of a new life. i might just have pretended to understand for years until i actually did. i might have had a hard time reconstructing my life and adapting to the french society. but. in the end, after seven years all these former statements are my past. my roots. my road towards the future. i grew into something. i discovered a new me, a me that belong here. i grew out if my swedish habits. i do not any more have porridge for breakfast and i find it increasingly horrible. i like to have a glass of wine (or two) with my dinner, even if it occurs almost every day. i complain about everything, nothing is, has been or will ever be good enough. i can not, under any circumstances have my dinner without fresh bread, i freak out. it has gotten to a point where i speak, dream and think in french, simply enough because it's after all, my first language today. i barely have any non-french friends left, they all leave, one by one. i won't.

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mayday may day. first of them. and my head is spinning some sort of ruthless loop. i'm inbetween tears and laughter, or at them both at the same time. nothing is caused by coincidence, i should know that by now, but still, i'm struggling to control my mind.

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there's someone in my head, but it's not me

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roses are red, violets are blue.
fuck you whore.

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isn't it ironic how constructing something can take an eternity, but demolishing only a couple of seconds?

2011

1. Did you do anything that you've never done before?
I quit my first real job and got a new, better one. I got dumped and did lots of stupid things.
2. Did any of your friends become parents during 2011?
Yes. (and I still can't understand it, personally, I'm far from that phase in life)
3. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
4. Which countries did you visit?
Sweden, Denmark, Norway, Germany and Holland

5. Is there anything you missed out on 2011, that you want 2012?
A safe home.

6. What was your greatest success during 2011?
My new job and starting to get over my fears.

7. Biggest mistake?
Too many. Worst one is probably that I let someone in to my life too quick.
8. Did you get sick or hurt?
Physically sick/hurt: 3 or 4 times the flu, 2 times a twisted ankle (not the same ankle both times) Mentally: I got my heart MORE than broken

9. Best purchase?
Probably my computer.
10. What did you spend most money on?
Except rent, alcohol and cigarettes probably

11. Did something make you really happy?
My friends
12. Which songs will always remind you of 2011?
Crystal Castles - We are not in love, Oberhofer - Landline, Neon Indian - Polish Girl, Jens Lekman - Waiting for Kirsten, Lil Wayne - Single, Kreayshawn - Gucci Gucci. (Pretty weird mix)
13. Were you happier or sadder this year, compared to previous years?
Both. It started out as the year of my life, it broke in to tiny pieces and I started gluing them back on place, the right way.
14. What do you wish that you had done more?
Visit Sweden, appreciate life for what it is.
15. What do you wish that you had done less?
Damaging my body.

16. Did you fall in love this year?
Yes. 7 months later and I'm still not completely recovered

17. Do you hate anyone now, that you didn't hate in the beginning of the year?
Hate is not the right word. But there are people I never want to see again.
18. The best book you read this year?
Peter Robinson - Cold is the grave
19. Greatest musical discovery?
Neon Indian & Oberhofer

20. What festivals did you visit in 2011?
Rock en Seine
21. What did you do on your birthday 2011?
Spent the day in the park, drinking lukewarm beer and having cake. Continued drinking in my standard bar and went home to have a lot of sex.

22. How would you describe your look in 2011?
Fucsia pink, leopard print, doctor martens, leather, black, hats, feathers.
23. What made you happy?
The fact that I slowly, little by little recovered from myself and started liking myself.
24. Is there anything that could have made your year better?
Realizing things earlier, changing habits earlier.

25. Favorite TV-show?
I don't own a TV...
26. Something you wished for and got?
My job.

27. Something you wished for but didn't get?
A home where I feel at home.
28. Who did you miss?
Linnéa

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five to go.
i won't miss you at all, twenty-three.

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you will always cause more chaos than organisation